Before things change
by Sandrine C
Summary: “I’ll forget him tomorrow...Tonight, I’ll let myself love him.” There's no easy way to move on and finding their way back to each other is almost impossible. Can Caspian fight destiny and bring Susan back?
1. Chapter 1

**Before things change**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do**

It was a long day and based on the sigh that escaped her lips, it seemed like it will be an endless night. She stared unblinkingly into the distance and pulled her arms around her, seeking the comfort that refused to come.

Susan closed her eyes and willed herself to stop listening to the voice in her mind, repeating the truth she still could not accept.

Lucy tossed and turned in her bed as if she could sense how troubled her older sister was. Deciding that only one of them should be sleep deprived, Susan stepped out and closed the door softly behind her. She walked silently out of the house and sat on a small bench beneath a tree in their modest garden. She pulled up her knees to her chest and buried her face in her arms.

'I should cry,' she thought as she blinked rapidly willing the tears to come as the emptiness slowly claimed her.

She could not feel even the cold breeze or the hard stone beneath her. She was numb. Self-preservation. Her instincts were kicking in to keep her heart from breaking to a point that she would no longer know how to be happy.

"_He's doing well Susan" Lucy had said carefully._

"_Who is?" she replied acting nonchalant and feigning disinterest_

"_Caspian," her sister answered hesitantly._

"_That's good then," she said casually not meeting Lucy's eyes_

_Edmund shot a warning glance at Lucy and shook his head slightly to the left._

"_What?" Susan said with a small laugh, trying to sound unaffected, "You're allowed to talk about him you know. I'm not as fragile as you think. I'm moving on. It just wasn't meant to be."_

It was silence that met her ears. No one dared to speak the words out loud. In the end, it was enough to tell her she had lost him. He was moving on as well.

She watched her breaths come out in white little puffs of cold air as she thought about just how much she could handle.

Susan only overheard a few details here and there and asked for no more. He was getting married to a woman of beauty and grace, the daughter of a star no less. She never asked for anything more, no name and no detailed account of how they met. It made no difference. Though revered in the history of Narnia, the truth remains that she will become a faint whisper in his memories of how good they could have been, of how she could have been _his_ queen.

Like a movie in her mind, she went through every scene, every word and every touch that passed between them. With her eyes closed she savored every detail knowing it will be the last time she will allow herself to do so. One last moment of weakness before leaving for America and putting even more distance between herself and all hope she used to harbor.

Susan could feel herself changing and closing off to the world. She hardened herself against the frosty night and the pain that was clawing it's way into her soul. Her mind screamed from the effort but on the outside, she merely continued to look into the night.

When at last she finally thought she had herself in check, a lone star fell from the sky and broke the floodgates of her tears.

"I'll forget him tomorrow. I'll wish them well tomorrow. But for now, I'll be selfish and wish for him back. Tonight, I'll let myself love him."

* * *

She made sense to him. She made the ideal queen. She will be a fine mother. But he couldn't help thinking, she was perfect simply because she was here and Susan was not.

Caspian had made a habit of walking around the vast gardens of his castle as dawn broke, a time when Narnia straddled peaceful slumber and the joy of a new day. It was the only time of the day when he could pretend he still had any hope left in him of seeing her again.

He shook his head in an attempt to shake her image out of head and tried to think of his bride-to-be instead. The contrast between the two women was obvious to anyone except the king. She was the last person who would remind you of the gentle queen, soft and fragile looking with a mane of golden hair that hung straight around her graceful form. However, it was for this exact reason that everyone knew the King still loved the Gentle Queen. He was simply trying too hard.

He watched the sunrise and closed his eyes as the warmth washed over him.

'I should smile,' he thought as he forced his mouth to curve upwards. He could not. He felt hollow and alone, even when he knew someone was waiting for him.

He's coping and for now that would have to do. Caspian concentrated on breathing and slowly focused on taking one step at a time without any destination in mind. It was a broken arrow on the ground that stopped him in his tracks.

"If it weren't meant to be, if from the start it was never meant to go anywhere, then why was allowed to fall in love with her?" Caspian asked his companion whose wisdom was unrivaled.

_The great lion sighed softly and turned to face the young king. _

"_Love does not always mean forever. Sometimes it just is dear one. Time is of no consequence to it. It conquered worlds and generations, allowing you and Susan to meet. Love is a gift not a contract. Sometimes, it comes into our lives merely to teach us something."_

"_What was the lesson?" the young king asked_

_Aslan merely smiled and continued to walk, letting the young king accept what his heart had known all along._

She was her light in the darkness that was his life. Susan gave him hope and made him understand that he was a good man. She opened up his eyes to the world beyond the walls of his sheltered youth. Her arrival brought the brutal force of the truth of what his life was really made of and just how strong he truly was.

He closed his eyes and tilted his face up to the sky. He decided that as long as his eyes remained closed, he could stay with her a little bit longer. He could pretend she never left and he never had to doubt if his time with her was only borrowed. He imagined their future together and all the generations thereafter.

The sun was finally up and the brightness penetrated his closed lids. He took a deep breath and looked around. Light bathed everything around him but everything seemed a little bit off color. It should be breathtaking but he could not see the beauty. He was numb.

In the far corner of his mind, he remembered his sleeping fiancée and that she would be looking for him soon. But as he felt the metal tip of the arrow, he sank to his knees and opened his mouth in a silent scream begging to be free from the dull ache that had become a constant in his life.

Tired and spent, the king stood up and searched for his horse, desperate to get away and extend his solitude before the rest of Narnia awoke.

Caspian rode off, galloping at a mad speed to Aslan's How.

"Just for today, I'll be a prince again. Just for today, I'll be weak. Just for today, I'll love you. Because tomorrow someone else will be my queen."

* * *

a/n: Initially, I thought this will be just a one-shot but now I'm not so sure. For now, I'm just glad to be writing again :P Hope you enjoy this :)


	2. The sun sets with you

**The Sun sets with you**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do. **

She wasn't used to this view of the world and she was unsure if she would ever see it the way he did. Every step she made was cautious and she never felt wholly at peace. The view was magnificent from the balcony where she stood but it seemed so foreign to her even if she had seen this a thousand times over in her dreams. In the back of her mind, the view would always be more spectacular from her father's perch in the sky.

She released a long sigh and closed her eyes, lifting her face to the sun, letting its light wash over her. This was her destiny; she understood that since she was a little girl. She had known he would come and that someday she would be his queen. Her only mistake was that she assumed his love would come with it.

She forced her eyes open. The glare of the sunlight made her squint as her vision adjusted. She watched as the man on a black horse sped away from the castle until he turned into a mere speck of dust on the horizon. Everything seemed so much sharper on this side of the world—bright, harsh and beautiful all at once. Just like its king.

Caspian was striking and handsome, just what one would imagine a king would be. To a girl who descended from the stars, his beauty rivaled the allure of the night sky. His presence had the power to inspire her and give her the courage to leave the only home she had always known. She loved him enough to brave being the center of attention when in her heart she will always be the girl from the edge of the world.

And yet, she feared him. It was not because he was violent or because somewhere inside him, a great evil lurked. She was afraid that one day his honesty would win out and her heart would be shattered in the aftermath. She knew she would be powerless when the day came that he admitted he loved the Gentle Queen of Narnia.

She wanted to run after him and leave behind the organized chaos of her new life. She wanted it to just be the two of them and maybe she could help him forget her. She imagined a simple life, away from it all and no mention of the past. They would be a family and she would want for nothing more.

She bit her lip and fought the tears that were coming. She sighed again as she accepted that it was only a fantasy doomed to die when the king returned smiling but eyes void of any real love for her. Time would come and go, she would die and be forgotten by Narnia, but his heart will beat only for her.

It would matter little that she stood by his side as he ruled his kingdom, for she never fought by his side the way she did. Her touch may be reassuring but it would never be the hand that fit into his perfectly. She can do all the right things but in the end, no one would even bother to remember her name. She will forever be the daughter of the star who married their king, and simply nothing more. Ramandu's daughter, they would call her, unlike the queen who would forever be revered in many names but most importantly as the queen that was Caspian's true love.

But as clear as the morning before her, she knew that these feelings were inconsequential, even to her. She knew that when he returned, she will be waiting by the gates, her arms outstretched and she would smile so wide it would hurt. Her love for him only knew how to grow and she refused to stop it. The pain of not being part of his life would rip her apart and she did not care to find out if she can live through that.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

'Just breathe. Just breathe,'she repeated to herself silently

She focused on breathing as she tried to block out something that had been nagging her since she accepted Caspian loved another woman. Her love for him had evolved enough that she had considered sacrificing her own happiness. It was enough for her to consider sharing with him a secret she held since she was a child.

She put her hand to her chest and fiddled with a key dangling from a gold chain, feeling the cold metal against her skin.

* * *

_Ramandu placed his young daughter on his lap and asked her to open her hands._

"_Daughter," he began as he placed a small necklace on her palm, "You must keep this with you always. It has been passed down for many generations and now it is yours."_

_The young girl held up the necklace, looking curiously at the small key dangling from it. It was captivating and the longer she stared at it the more attracted she was to it. Ramandu saw this and gently took the necklace and placed it around her neck. His daughter immediately wanted to run off to find a mirror so she could see her reflection as she wore her new trinket proudly but Ramandu held her tight._

"_There is a warning that comes with this gift. Do not let anyone know you have it," he said._

"_But why father?" the girl asked innocently_

_Ramandu stared directly into his daughter's eyes and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "It is no ordinary key that I gave you. Do you remember the dreams you have been telling me about? The visions you had about a world so unlike ours, a place filled with hope, happiness, chaos and failure?"_

_The little girl nodded as fear clouded her eyes as she recalled the vivid dreams she had. She buried her face in her father's robes but he held her firmly in front of him and put a finger under her chin to make her look at him. _

"_This necklace holds the key to that world. The road to those gates is perilous for it is not meant to be taken. Safe passage between our worlds is possible in many, many different ways but these paths move and are never predictable for only fate opens them and seals them. There is but one that is permanent and can be opened by mortals—that is the use of this key. I pray you will never need to use it."_

* * *

A single tear fell from her eyes, as she remembered her father. She clutched tighter at her necklace and closed her eyes.

"Father, you were wrong," she whispered, "that door will not be opened by my mortal hand alone because fate has brought me to this life and this love that I cannot escape."

He would never ask it from her even if he knew that they key to his happiness was in her hands. Caspian was honorable and would never ask her to sacrifice her own dignity and pride to give him his life's happiness. And yet, it was for this very reason that she considered finding a way for him.

From the recesses of her mind, she pulled at stories and legends, piecing them together, fighting to be numb to the pain that threatened to pull her away from the task. She stood in silence, eyes closed in concentration, as she tried to find answers. Hours passed as she stayed in a trance, oblivious to the rest of the world.

The sun was setting when she finally opened her eyes, exhausted and nauseous from the effort. The key on her neck felt heavy as she realized that in the end, whatever she chooses to do, one of them will have a broken heart.

"Madam, it will be cold soon, you must get inside, "said one of her appointed ladies in waiting, interrupting her train of thought.

She nodded silently and turned to go but she stole another look at the red horizon, the first stars peeking out of the darkening sky.

"Did you know Queen Susan?" she asked quietly.

Her companion nodded and looked away, avoiding the eyes of her future queen.

"Do you believe they'll ever be together again?" she asked without identifying who she was referring to.

"Madam," the lady replied gently, "I wish to be honest but it may not be the answer you want to hear as his betrothed. If you had seen them together, even just once, then you will understand that in this life things had been against them. It was never their destiny to fall in love. They lived in different worlds and different times but somehow they found a way. He saved her life only to find her torn from this world, never to return again." The lady took a deep breath before she continued, "Yes, I believe they'll be together again. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but I have no doubt that in the end of time, in Aslan's country, these star-crossed lovers will meet again."

"Thank you for your honesty. I will follow but I wish to stay outside a little longer," she replied and the lady bowed and left.

She pulled out a thin envelope containing two sheets of paper inside, a guide and a farewell. She read everything again, as if she had not memorized every word, making sure that it was perfectly accurate as to her memories of the way.

With a deep breath, she yanked the chain of her necklace and placed the key inside the envelope and sealed it. She walked to his door and tucked the letter safely under his door.

She placed a hand on a door for support; half wishing she could take it all back. "I hope he's worth it. For our sake, I hope she still loves you."

With a final look at the closed door, she walked away and never looked back.


	3. The rain never stops

**The rain never stops**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do. **

Susan learned to stop counting. With dazed eyes, she saw the world around her blur from one moment into the next as she tried to box away any hope left in her body. She wanted to be numb but she was always pulled back by her memories that played vividly in her mind.

She leaned her head against the window and hugged her knees closer to her body. Her siblings were outside enjoying the rare warm evening. They had invited her, as they always did, but she knew they didn't expect her to say yes. It was simpler to just leave her alone than watch out if she was walking straight into traffic. It was easier to pretend nothing was wrong. It made more sense to believe that tomorrow she really would stop missing him.

She sighed and continued to watch her family with very little interest. Each of them had a different opinion about her state and none was able to hide it well. Peter thought she should just forget him and move on, as if it were as simple as locking her emotions and throwing away the key. Edmund was sympathetic and let her wallow but always reminded her of the truth that there was someone else now. And then there was Lucy, the only one who told her to hope still for she believed that no love was ever lost.

He almost escaped her sight, the new addition to the merriment below. She vaguely remembered Lucy mentioning their new neighbor. A boy, apparently, of her age had moved in next door with his family and was set to go to school with their brothers. For a moment, she lost her train of her thought in her curiosity over the boy. He was tall and only slightly lanky, but she could tell he could hold his own in a fight. He had dark brown hair and had a look of mischief in his eyes. The boy was quick on his feet and easily outran Edmund.

And then he looked up and locked eyes with her. Susan was so startled but she could not look away. For a suspended moment, she imagined he was Caspian and that she was back in Narnia. Her heart sped up and her hand involuntarily reached out to the stranger below who seemed to want nothing more than to gaze up at her for all eternity.

He blinked and it was all over. It was so abrupt that she felt as if she was slapped in the face. She looked away but kept him within her vision. Susan could see him ask subtly Peter who she was. She could almost hear the quiet excuse that her brother would make on her behalf. Suddenly she wanted to scream at the boy and tell him Peter is lying. She is well and whole. She likes the outdoors as much as they did. The only thing keeping her inside is the fear that if she met someone new, she'll forget him and that she loved him still.

"Why do you keep yourself from your world, dear one?"

It was a soft voice, one she knew so well. She was shocked, to say the least, that Aslan was able to speak to her outside of Narnia but she didn't say anything. She could not see him and could very well assume she was hallucinating. In her state, it wasn't impossible.

The soft purr urged her to answer. Susan cleared her throat and replied. "They have no need of me."

"On the contrary," Aslan replied, "I think you need them."

This was a truth she had yet to accept. She closed her eyes and basked in the comfort of his presence, a reminder of how at home she was in Narnia.

"You must have been angry with me for asking you to return here." It was fact, they both knew.

"Not anymore," she answered softly.

"Only because you are resigned to your fate and not because you are happy. You see no wisdom in my decision."

"I am here because this is my true home. I was born here and I have learned from Narnia all the things I need to survive in this world."

"Do you truly believe that, dear one?" Aslan asked gently.

"No," was the simple answer Susan gave as she allowed her head to drop, her hair shielding the tears that had broken the surface.

A soft breeze came and with it the scent of the flowers in the gardens of Cair Paravel. The air around her was calm and with it she gathered the courage to speak.

"I don't believe I'm home Aslan. Ever since I got back, I found only harshness and the cold. This life is routine. I wake up, go to school, do my chores and then I come home and sleep. The next day is same as the next," Susan looked directly into the darkness and whispered, "Each day is the same, every single one without Caspian in it."

Susan heard the great lion sigh and she felt weak listening to it. She did not want to disappoint him but her honesty won out and she still had more to say.

"Why did you let me fall in love with him if it wouldn't last?" Susan asked gently.

"Love was your choice, dear one. No magic in the world can stop you from feeling it, not even mine."

Susan turned away and looked once again at the stranger outside. "Why can't it just be him?"

"You know your own heart, dear one. You know the answer to that."

"Aslan, can I go back?"

Susan's question was met with silence. She feared that she made him angry by the question but her ears were met with a long sigh, one of resignation.

"It will be your choice when the time comes. I will allow that chance though I still hope that you will find your way here. Be patient dear one and search your soul for the right answers."

"What do you mean Aslan?" Susan asked standing up, looking around for the lion; frantic that might have already left.

"The king still loves you, Queen Susan. He will find his way."

Her eyes widened and ran towards the voice but he was already gone. Susan sank to her knees and cried until sleep claimed her.

That night she tossed and turned even as Peter carried her to her bed as he shook his head in dismay. She clutched her blanket and slept fitfully. It was dawn when a sudden calm came over her and when she woke up, she remembered nothing except for that faint feeling of hope that steadily burned in her heart.

* * *

_a/n: i've decided there's more of this story to tell so it's (obviously and happily--for me at least) no longer just a one-shot. will update soon as i can :)_


	4. One heart left to break

**One heart left to break**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

Aslan's How was sacred ground in Narnia's eyes but it was more than that to Caspian. It was the one place he felt he truly began to step out of the shadows that hid him as a child. It was a refuge when the raid against the Telmarines failed. It was where he failed the test of temptation. It symbolized redemption when he chose not to kill his uncle.

But as he looked at it now, it was only memories of Susan that remained in his mind. He recounted with perfect clarity how she stood against the structure and looked like she belonged nowhere else.

Caspian shook his head and moved to go inside, torch in hand. The air was cold and unnaturally still, as if time was suspended inside. He felt as if he was not alone yet oddly enough, it felt comforting. He forged on and searched for the path that would take him to the heart of the How. The light from his torch bounced off the wall with the crude painting of the kings and queens of old. He traced the outlines with his finger and closed his eyes, imagining how they stood in that same spot.

"She loves you, my dear king."

Caspian's eyes shot open at the sound of Aslan's voice. He looked around and found no one. He frowned thinking his imagination was running wild in the darkness but the faint growl convinced him the voice was real.

"She deserves more than I can offer but I will try my best to be a good husband." Caspian replied softly.

"I'm not talking about the one you want to run away from. I'm talking about Susan," the great lion said simply.

Caspian drew a sharp breath and let it out slowly, deflated and defeated. "It matters not. She is no longer here."

"You are giving up?" Aslan asked.

"A chance with her, yes, I accept it cannot be. Though I fail to understand, I know there must be a reason why she's no longer in Narnia. But my love for her I shall never give up. I could not even if I tried. She's a part of me, Aslan. She taught me how to be part of a family. Through her I saw the reason for selfless acts of courage. I saw how a warrior is strong and compassionate in the middle of a war. I learned things beyond what Miraz allowed me to see. Aslan, because of her I became a man. For that, for as long as I exist, I will love her." Caspian finished passionately, his hand shaking from gripping the torch so hard. It was something he never told anyone. He had convinced himself earlier that he could learn to move on, that he could go through his life with someone else as his queen. But in this moment he understood it was a lie, one he wanted to wish away.

"Even if it has the power to cause pain to someone who asks for nothing but your love in return? One who was always meant to be your wife?" Aslan asked gently.

"I will hide it from her," he replied weakly, not believing it himself.

"Do you think she doesn't know it yet?"

Caspian leaned on the wall for support as he dropped his head, staring straight at the ground in shame. His bride-to-be did nothing to deserve such behavior from him.

"Dear one," Aslan began, "You said so yourself, Susan is very much a part of who you are. I do not take Narnians for fools that they will not see that. But unlike you or the lady who waits for you, Susan was never made for Narnia, Caspian. She was born to live and die in her world. She was brought here to become the woman she was always meant to be but it was never meant to be more than that."

"You're saying I should not love her?" Caspian asked his voice hoarse mirroring the raw feeling he had inside. The mere thought of cutting her out of his life, even only from memories, was more devastating than he predicted. It made him want to run yet stand still at the same time. The contradiction exploding within him was more than he could handle.

"That is not something I can tell you nor can I ask of you. Who you love is entirely up to you and sometimes there never is a choice to begin with—you simply love them. It is no longer a question of feelings but a fact that you live with just like breathing air."

Caspian stared straight into the distance as if seeing the great lion before him. "I promised Ramandu," he began hesitantly, "that I would care for his daughter. Aslan, I will break my oath if I follow my heart. The pain I will cause her will be too great in exchange for my own happiness. I know she feels more for me than I for her. Is the painful truth worth it or is a lie a much kinder friend this time?"

"You are king of Narnia now Caspian, and though your sense of duty and honor must be strong, so must your spirit and honesty be. Do not fear pain for it is part of that love you possess. Embrace it, learn to live with it and grow from it. The only thing you must be afraid of is to live a lie and allow others to share in that charade." Aslan said.

Suddenly Caspian laughed bitterly, louder and louder until he could no longer catch his breath. "I break my engagement and hurt someone innocent. I pine for someone who lives a world away. Susan will live long and forever missing the life we could have had together. In the end, I'll have the three of us living our own versions of unhappily ever after."

Caspian closed his eyes and for a long moment no sound was heard except for his own breathing.

"She loves you, my dear king," Aslan repeated "and you love her in turn."

"Is that enough to change things? Will it ever be enough?" Caspian asked softly.

"Fate, like any other in this world, is a slave to the true magic that brings life to this world. Love is the only true source of destiny. No one should be foolish enough to bend its will. I choose not to. I will let things play out and if you succeed, I give you my blessings wholeheartedly. What happens from the moment you step out of here will depend entirely on the choices you make," Aslan said pausing slightly, "Love will always be enough because when all is said and done, it will be the only thing left."

A sudden gust blew out the fire from Caspian's torch and comforting warmth filled him with peace. With renewed hope, he stood up slowly and walked out, towards his most uncertain future.

* * *

Trumpkin was confident and headstrong but this latest development was something that left him weak in the knees. He knew not how to explain to his king that his bride had left with no more explanation than a sealed letter. He was afraid that his majesty would suffer from depression of always being left behind by the women in his life.

He tried to focus on how he would tell him that she simply vanished. Oh, they all saw her standing alone by the balcony, silent as she always was. They never bothered to think there was something amiss. Only one of the ladies noted a peculiar question, one relating to the old queen, but it wasn't alarming. No one could predict she would act this way.

The dwarf paced back and forth in front of the king's throne, muttering to himself ways to tell Caspian.

"Maybe I'll start with a joke, lighten the mood a little bit," Trumpkin said, "Like 'Hey your majesty, heard somethin' funny today. Bride ran away, got cold feet.'"

"That's not even remotely funny," Caspian said, his eyebrows raised high

Trumpkin turned, his eyes wide, and ran to his king hurriedly bowing his head in respect. "Sire, I didn't realize you had arrived."

"What's this joke you're muttering about?" Caspian asked.

The dwarf swallowed the growing lump in his throat. "Your majesty, it's true. She has left. We're sorry, we did not know until it was too late."

Caspian's eyes widened and he walked to sit on his throne, shock evident on his face. Trumpkin followed and handed him a small white envelope that bore the name of the king. The dwarf took one last look at the king before leaving the room, uncertain if the king should be left alone. Caspian nodded to assure his friend that he was alright. He needed space and a moment of peace to open the last message left for him.

He stared at the envelope for the longest time. Though his mind was still trying to reconcile what has happened, the reality had long since set in his heart. He never expected the wedding to push through; he just didn't imagine she would be the one to undo what would have been a colossal mistake.

_My dear king,_

_There is no need to search for me. I chose to leave of my own free will, just as I decided to love you from a distance. Yes, I love you and though it pains me to never have had the opportunity to ever tell you before, at least now you know and that is enough. Be at peace, my king, for I ask for nothing in return. There is no point in subjecting ourselves to a lifetime of discontent when it is well within my power to ensure that you at least escape this fate. It is a sacrifice I have been blessed to make. _

_The key that comes with this letter is no ordinary key. It has the power to open the only permanent gate between Narnia and Queen Susan's world. I have enclosed a guide to get you there but I'm afraid I can only give you the path. The trials you will undergo to be deemed worthy to breach the barrier will be entirely on you. I pray that in the end, your love for her will give you both courage and wisdom. There is no other help I can give you but this. _

_I wish you happiness, dear Caspian, even if it's not with me. _


	5. In the corner of my mind

**In the corner of my mind**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

The Pevensies always talked about her but he has never met her. He moved in a month ago and he always just caught a glimpse of her by the window or walking a few steps away from the rest of her family.

In truth, she intrigued him. While others in the neighborhood had lost interest in asking about her and her seemingly constant state of despair, he saw differently. There was an undercurrent that flowed continuously even when she was trying so hard to hide behind darkness.

He walked behind her, watching her battle with the wind and rain for control over her umbrella as she tried hard to keep a good grasp on her books. Any regret of turning down Edmund's invitation to play a game of chess back at school was forgotten as he laughed silently at the sight in front of him. She was stubborn, to put it lightly, but channeled into a good dose of determination. But nature decided to have its way with her and her umbrella flew away and all her things fell with a splat on the puddle.

Without thinking, he ran towards her and started picking up her books, his own umbrella covering them both as he did so. He was so busy gathering her things that he failed to notice she stopped moving, her head tilted slightly to the side as she stared at him.

"Here you go," he said, "Just put them out by the fire so they'll dry a bit faster. Not too much damage, I think."

Susan took them wordlessly as she eyed him with surprise and a bit of curiosity.

"Oh yeah I'm John, your new neighbor?" he said in a rush, offering his hand to her.

"I'm Susan," she replied timidly, extending her own hand.

He wasn't sure what it was exactly, if it were the feel of her skin or the intensity he felt when his gaze locked with hers but there was something in him that stirred, as if there was word on the tip of his tongue that he just could not get out.

The world stilled around them but his mind did otherwise. It was as if she unlocked his memories, of questions that he held in for so long. He had always been suspicious of why his past, the days before his move to England, were hazy. The childhood stories he had locked away seemed like fiction. Stories he was supposed to have lived but his body did not respond like it had seen any of it. All of this intensified when he moved next door to the lively family but it was never like this. He never felt that he recognized someone he's never supposed to have met before until now, until Susan.

"Can I have my hand back now?" Susan asked, eyeing him quizzically.

"Oh, I'm sorry," John said, drawing back his hand.

Susan nodded and began to walk away from him, getting soaked in the process for the rain still beat down hard on them.

He ran after her and shared his umbrella with her. "Allow me to walk you home, your ma--, I mean Susan."

Susan blinked twice at him. His own slip echoed in his mind, confused with what he almost said. He shook his head slightly, concerned he was losing his mind and that he was allowing himself to even think that they've met before in a different time and place.

"Thank you," Susan said ignoring the mistake, choosing to walk beside him in silence.

"If you don't mind me asking, why are you walking home alone?" he asked.

"My brothers and sister still had things to do and I didn't. I just want to get home," she replied with a slight shrug of her shoulders.

"So you can watch the world from your window?" he said

"Don't pretend you know me." Susan said sharply.

"Forgive me, it was just an observation. I did not mean to offend." John said apologetically.

Susan sighed, "Don't worry about it. I'm just being sensitive. Forget it."

"What's his name?" John said lightly, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips when he realized he guessed correctly at the source of her melancholy.

"I'd rather not say," she answered swiftly, her own lips curving upwards beyond her comprehension

"That's fair," he replied, "but it doesn't make me less curious."

Susan rolled her eyes and looked away but she could not erase the faint traces of a smile on her face. His bluntness was refreshing after days of being locked in her thoughts.

"Your siblings miss you," John said turning serious, "I doubt it has escaped you but like you said, I don't know you. They've told me stories about this girl whose laughter was as bright as summer and a wit sharper than a sword. I can see glimpses of her but I think the rest of her is a world away."

Susan bit her lip, afraid to open her mouth, concentrating instead on keeping the tears at bay. She knew all that he was saying was true. She could see it in their eyes, the looks the exchange when they think she's not watching. She felt them tread so carefully when topics came close to anything that she could possibly relate to Caspian or Narnia. She knew she was drifting away but she had no motivation to stop it. There was nothing holding her to this world.

Suddenly, she slipped on a slippery patch and lost her balance. John's hand shot out and held her steady. His grip on her arm was firm and even when he let go, she could swear she still felt his hands on it, anchoring her, keeping her standing. She rubbed the part he touched, as if wiping away the feeling of guilt that she was betraying Caspian by even being around another man.

And then she remembered, he was moving on and here she was wondering if it was alright to let a new person in her life, if he would think it was okay.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, each of them wondering what the nagging feeling at the back of their minds meant.

When they reached the gate of the Pevensie home, the rain had stopped and John closed his umbrella.

"Again, thank you." Susan said formally.

"No worries, my pleasure to help out a friend." John said casually, smiling at her as if it was the most ordinary thing in the world, never mind the chaos going on in his head.

Susan smiled at the world and wondered if he really could be just that in her life. She turned around and John stayed to watch until she closed the door behind her. He was rooted to the spot, the gears in his mind working, until things clicked into place as he placed the image of her walking away from him, her back turned as she went through a different kind of door, in a different dress, in a different world. And the words that almost slipped came rushing out in a whisper.

"_Your majesty."_


	6. Wake me up when the dream ends

**Wake me up when the dream ends**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

The note was clear, travel to the farthest edge of Narnia in the South and from there you will see a small island. Go there alone and bring the key.

It was difficult to convince Reepicheep and Trumpkin, who had insisted on coming along to protect him, to allow him to journey to the island on his own. So far the trip had been quiet and uneventful, he told them that it was likely he would just find a door and it would be alright. He can do this.

"We don't trust her. For all you know, she's waiting for you there and will put some enchantment on you." Trumpkin said grumpily.

"If she wanted to do that, she could have done it while she was still living in the castle." Caspian said logically.

"But sire," Reepicheep interrupted, "this way she would have no witnesses."

"You two are my witnesses!" Caspian said

"Yes, because from this view you'll only be a black speck." Trumpkin said rolling his eyes.

"No, I mean if I come back different you'd know and you'll figure something out…" Caspian said trailing off, unsure if he was strengthening his case or getting increasingly desperate to make use of his key.

The island was calling to him and he felt it. There was a pull, magnetic almost, that made him lose his wit about him. It was almost maddening to stand on this side when all he wanted was to get out on that small boat and find his way to that island.

With a deep breath he found the will to make his last argument, "If I'm not back in two days, you may come after me but I must go there now. Alone."

His tone or his look, or maybe both, seemed to have worked and soon he was only a few feet from the shore of the long strip of white sand of the island, encircling what seemed to be a very dense forest that went on endlessly.

Whatever fear he felt was overshadowed by the desire to walk through the trees as if he knew exactly what he was looking for. He watched his feet, one in front of the other, the pattern repeating continuously until he was unaware of anything but them. He never even noticed that he came to a clearing, where a lone tree stood tall in the middle. A tree with a most curious feature—it had a door on it, with a keyhole that seemed to be shaped exactly to fit the key that hung around his neck.

With a renewed sense of urgency, he took a step forward, and another but the tree appeared to always be the same distance from him even if he had walked a considerable distance.

Hours passed, his feet were tired and sore, but still the tree was as far away from him the first time he spotted it. With a sigh, he sat on the ground and put his head in his hands.

"My, my, a king of Narnia to visit me?" a musical voice inquired.

Caspian turned and found an ethereal looking woman seated next to him, a playful look on her face. At first his blood froze, thinking back to the prisoner encased in ice, the one who almost came back, at least that's what he believed until this moment.

"Oh, I'm not _her_," the lady said with only a hint of disdain in her voice, "I look like her only because you fear her or maybe whatever it is that she represents in your mind."

"Failure," Caspian said silently, looking away with shame.

"This is what failure looks to you?" the woman said with a quizzical expression on her face.

"I almost gave my blood and she would have returned from wherever it was that she was banished to. Instead of rebuilding Narnia I almost allowed another greater evil to return. Had she succeeded, I would have failed."

"But you did not, for you are now King. Is that really all there is to it your majesty?"

Caspian stayed silent for a long time, replaying the scene in his mind. The ice shattered and the spell was broken. The guilt washed over him in waves but nothing crushed him the way Susan looked at him. Her disappointment was palpable. It didn't matter that all still ended well, the only thing that remained was that he wasn't strong enough for her. That somehow, he did not deserve her.

"Well, that's a much more satisfying answer," the lady said suddenly, interrupting his thoughts as if she saw them herself and maybe she did.

"I'm afraid the lady who gave that to you did not set up a trap, contrary to what your friends back on the other side believe. This truly is what you seek but I think you misunderstand something."

Caspian merely looked at her in wonder over how much she knew as he clutched the key tighter in his hands.

"Oh, I won't take away your key. It's yours to use. It is simply that, a key to open that door," she said pointing to the tree.

"What are you?" Caspian asked

She laughed, throwing her head back, her long blond hair fanning in the breeze.

"I am the guardian. I am supposed to test you before I allow you to get what you want."

"I want to get to the world of Queen Susan." Caspian said firmly.

"No," she said, "you want to bring her back here and that is different. If you merely seek passage and you wish to stay with her that is simple. You use the key and you disappear in her world forever. You are king and you must return. Now, the problem of convincing her to return is your problem but of greater concern is how to find your way back. My dear king, this door is different in that world. You will not recognize it."

"I will," Caspian answered.

"You will not, for all your memories will vanish the moment you step through. It is the price you pay. It is my test. I leave it to you to decide." She said standing up with such grace that he felt clumsy as he rose to his own feet.

Suddenly he found himself only a few steps from the door. He took a long look at the key before reaching out and placing it in the door. He stepped inside and before everything went black, he heard the woman's voice once more.

"_Hold on to that love, Caspian, it is the real key."_

_

* * *

  
_

John awoke in a cold sweat. His heart felt like it was trying to beat itself out of his chest. His mind was in disarray and he recognized only that he had another nightmare, the same one perhaps but he could not be sure. He never remembered anything anyway when he opened his eyes.

The moonlight was still streaming through his window and he knew that dawn was still hours away. He tried to get back to sleep but the threat of another dream kept him wide awake. He walked out of his room, careful to tread quietly so as not to wake his parents, and out into the cold night.

He clutched his coat around him tightly and walked over to the fence that separated his house from the Pevensies. He sat with his back on the wood and took in the silence, only to realize he was not alone.

"Can't sleep either?" he inquired.

"No." Susan replied from the other side.

"Bad dream?" he asked again.

"No, too good actually," she replied with a sigh.

"Then why don't you go back to bed?"

"It makes the mornings harder, when you wake up and you realize it's not real. None of it was real." Susan said quietly.

They sat in silence for hours until the sun slowly rose from its slumber. Without a sound, they each stood up and moved towards their own homes.

"Hey Susan," John said, his hand reaching out to her through the broken section in the fence, "get some sleep. Just clear your mind and close your eyes. You'll be fine."

Susan tilted her head and stared at him through the gap, feeling oddly comforted by his presence, more so by his touch.

"Thank you. Do the same, you look horrible." She replied a small smirk gracing her face.

He laughed and withdrew his hand, shaking his head as he walked through their back door, absently fingering the pendant hanging around his neck—a small key that fit no lock.


	7. The voices in my head

**The voices in my head**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

It was never her intention to be happy. Not after everything, not after all that she lost. Yet, no matter how much she resisted, she still felt the corners of her mouth being tugged upwards. She may not have planned on it, but John certainly seemed to always make sure she did.

Susan realized that she couldn't really tell when it started but he just made himself a presence in her life lately. He wasn't a nuisance exactly but she couldn't ignore him either. And much to her annoyance and amusement he never let her get away with anything.

"Why do you pretend to not be good at archery?" John asked, surprising her from behind when she was doing research in the public library.

"Excuse me?" Susan replied in a shrill whisper, earning her annoyed looks from the nearby tables.

"Excuse me?" she repeated softly, to which he merely smiled as he sat carelessly in front of her, winning them another round of glares.

"Earlier, I saw you at your lessons in the field. Half those girls knew less and yet hit the target more than you did. You're much better than that!" he said in a playful whisper

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied pretending to be fully absorbed in her book.

John reached out and closed the volume in front of her and reached out to lift her chin. He caught her eye and looked at her quizzically.

"You never miss," he said simply.

Susan laughed nervously and looked away. "But you just said I barely ever hit the target!"

He raised his eyebrows at her, "Because you never aim for it."

Their eyes locked and in that moment the truth was confirmed.

"So what if I aim a little to the left. It doesn't matter." Susan said shrugging her shoulders.

"Don't you want to succeed?" John asked, curious but not prying. Susan understood that at anytime she could stop answering and still not offend her persistent companion but she chose to answer anyway.

"It is not important to me," she replied. "It's enough for me to know that I can do it. There's no need to let the whole world know. It doesn't matter."

"Why?" he asked insistently, not comprehending why anyone who do such a thing on purpose.

"There's no one to impress," she said

"That may be so, but certainly there might be someone to inspire," he replied thoughtfully.

Susan fell silent. As always, he offered her a new perspective on a life she already believed wasted as it was not lived in Narnia. It never crossed her mind that she had something left to offer, that there was still purpose for her here.

John watched her process what he said. He didn't want her to shut down on him, especially now that she was talking in complete sentences. He wanted her to keep talking, to keep trying to be in the moment. He couldn't understand the need to see her alive, breathing and laughing. It consumed him. He wanted her in his sight so he could make sure she was okay, that she was protected. He had known her for a short while and already he felt he was running out of time. He wasn't going to waste any moment he had with her.

She was silent long enough that he decided to stand up and lead her out of the library. They sat down at one of the stone table sets outside, beneath a tree with a trunk that twisted up from the roots.

"Much better, less shushing and more talking for us." John said with a laugh.

Susan frowned.

"_Why is this boy always laughing?" _she thought.

"You always frown when I laugh. Does the sound irritate you?" he asked

"What? No! Of course not." Susan said, her forehead still wrinkled.

John laughed again, "Yes, I'd believe you but your face says otherwise."

Susan looked away and stared at the patterns on the tree trunk. It seemed too old for this world and yet she knew that unlike other trees she'd known, this one would never walk the earth.

"I don't mean to be a bother." John began hesitantly, his voice surprisingly soft, "I just like hearing you talk. I want to be your friend the way I am with the rest of your family. In case you haven't noticed, you're the only one stubborn enough to ignore me. It's not something I had growing up…I think"

"You think?" Susan said wondering out loud at his statement.

John stood up and traced the grooves of the tree, letting his fingers trail on the trunk the way the shadows danced as the leaves blew in the wind.

"It's not easy to explain. But my memories are never all that clear. My parents said that not everyone has a vivid childhood but I don't know, mine seems blurrier than the rest. There are times when I remember images but I can't connect with it. I remember playing near a stream, or learning how to read for the first time but it always felt like I was watching it for the first time."

John turned his hands away from him and pulled them back in to face him, staring at them in wonder.

"Have you ever looked at your own hands and wonder why it is that they don't feel like you've been looking at the same ones all your life?" John asked her, forcing a smile.

For the second time that day, her voice caught in her throat. Though, this time she fought to speak, to find the words to ask him. She could feel her heart brush against the possibility that her mind dismissed without a second glance.

"Are all your memories like this?" Susan asked, waiting for another clue, another reason to hope.

"Yes," he said, the genuine smile returning to his face," my dreams are clearer you know? Quite interesting."

"What are they about," she said edging forward in her seat as if proximity would get her answers faster.

"I don't remember," he said looking once again at his hands, "I just wake up and it's all gone from my mind. Nothing is left."

"Nothing?" Susan asked hopefully.

"Nothing," he said shaking his head as he watched her face fall. "Come on, let's walk home. I'm sure they're wondering where you are." John said his left hand outstretched for her to take.

Susan nodded and stood up, shyly taking his hand, her heart content that at least it could imagine it was Caspian's hand she was holding.

* * *

"I'm worried about Susan," Peter said to Edmund as they played chess in their backyard.

"You're always worried about each one of us." Edmund said, his concentration purely on his next move.

"I'm serious." Peter said.

"Again, you always are." Edmund said reaching out then taking his hand back, changing his mind about his move.

"No, she's not been out with us at all. She's always hiding away inside or off doing something on her own." Peter said.

"Pete, she's growing up. What do you expect? For her to tag along after you for all eternity?" Edmund said reasonably.

"No, I'd only accept that if she were the least bit happy. She's not. It's obvious." Peter said.

Edmund finally looked up at his brother, "Peter, don't go there. There's nothing we can do about that. No matter how much we try. The most we can find out for her would be to find out if he's already dead or what. You know this Peter. You agreed to it--that your time was up. So did Susan."

"She didn't know better." Peter said stubbornly.

"That she loved him? She knew, Peter. She still knows but she understands that it's not a choice. It's her destiny and she's dealing with it best she can." Lucy said softly, sitting down on the grass beside him. "I'm not as innocent anymore Peter."

"Lucy is right." Edmund said, "This isn't something we have a right to ask for. It is what it is. She'll move on... she has to. We all do."

Peter and Edmund played in silence, while Lucy picked at the patch of grass in front of her.

"How do you think _he _is though?" Lucy asked.

"Caspian?" Edmund said, "We'll he's moved on hasn't he?"

"He has to. He's king after all." Peter said without judgment in his tone.

"You think he loved her?" Edmund asked

"I know he does," Lucy said firmly, "I think if there was another way, he'd find it. Peter may be right that as king he has a duty to Narnia but I think he won't disappoint Susan that easy."

"He's probably married with kids right now Lucy. I wouldn't bet on that." Edmund said matter-of-factly.

"Hmmm, maybe I would…" Lucy said trailing off, her eyes following the people on the street as they turned the corner and opened their gates.

Lucy watched Susan and John walk towards them, laughing the way old friends do.

Peter and Edmund stared as well, both imagining when they had seen Susan last this happy, when a familiar smile matched hers, a world and a lifetime away.

"Surprised to see me?" John said laughing with Susan at the faces of the Pevensies, mouths agape and eyes wide.

"What's the matter with you all? You look like you've seen a ghost." Susan said jokingly.

"Amazing what the a little fresh air can do to your sister eh?" John said stepping neatly aside to avoid Susan from swatting him, "Why, she knows how to laugh after all!"

Nervous laughter filled the air, which soon gave in to full blown merriment. Lucy and Susan danced in circles, singing about whatever they thought of that moment. Peter continued playing chess against the combined forces of Edmund and John, with easy banter thrown back and forth.

It was late, almost sunset, when the inevitable had to come and the day had to end. For a moment, Susan believed that she was finally back to her old self. She smiled at her mother who beckoned her to go inside the house. Susan nodded and turned around once to give a parting smile to her new friend John. She went through the back door of their house and found her mother sitting at the kitchen table, smiling at her as though she had good news for her.

"Surprise!" her mother exclaimed.

"What do you mean mother?" Susan asked carefully, sitting down in the empty chair next to her mother. And then she saw it. Tickets to America, one of which bore her name on it.

"Don't think I haven't noticed," her mother said gently placing a hand on top of hers, "I think this trip will be good for you. Another country, a new culture, and mostly I think it's good for you to meet new people."

"But what about Peter, Edmund and Lucy?" Susan asked blankly not really believing what was happening.

"Well, I think they'll understand dear. We can't really afford to take everyone right now. I think they'll agree that this trip will be most beneficial for you. They love you. They want what's best for you." Her mother said lovingly, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

Susan stared ahead, her throat feeling tight and dry. She had nothing to say. All she heard was the laughter outside and the voice that slowly found its place in her heart.

"So you'll come?" her mother said expectantly.

Susan merely nodded and gave the cursory smile of gratitude before excusing herself. She took slow steps at first before running full sprint to her room and locking the door. It was already dark but the moonlight afforded her a view of the outside. Just like many nights before. The feeling was the same, the empty pit of something she could not identify or maybe refused to name altogether.

Yet the name in her mind was different. The trip made sense. It will help her forget Caspian. Maybe in the new world she will believe that it was all just a childhood dream that Narnia was never real. Yes, that was something she could try. It was such a kind gesture from her parents that it would be foolish to reject them. Yes, she must go.

But the gentle tug of her heart wasn't something she could ignore. She smiled to herself as she watched her neighbor lying flat on the grass staring at the night sky, quietly pointing out to Lucy the different constellations. Part of her wanted to make a clean break, not get attached and make the same mistakes as she did before but it was the other half won out as she found herself running once more and lying on the ground next to them, listening to the voice that made her want to stay.

"_I'll let my heart mend for a little while. I'll live in this moment for as long as I can. I'll need it later to remember him. I'll need it when he's not here anymore." _Susan thought to herself.

John looked sideways at Susan as she concentrated on finding a shooting star. _"I'll make this moment last forever because I can feel you slipping away. I can feel you saying goodbye and I don't know why it kills me. My past may never make sense but the future is clear with you in it. Tonight, I choose to love you." _John thought to himself, closing his eyes for a brief moment.

* * *

Flashes of a familiar past went through his mind, a world more brilliant than his home, and kings and queens standing before a great lion. They sped through his thoughts as quickly as the urgent voice in his ear.

"_You're running out of time your majesty. She leaves London, she leaves the Susan you know behind. There is no turning back."_

John's eyes flew open in alarm. He looked around and saw that it was only the two of them. It seems he fell asleep for a while and his dreams had started again.

Susan sensed his abrupt movement and sat up to check on him.

"Are you alright?" Susan asked worriedly.

"Nothing, it's nothing." John said distracted.

For the first time since the dreams started, he remembered something. Not knowing what to do, Susan reached out and held his hand in hers. John held on tight, each word spoken by the voice clear in his mind. It wasn't just tonight that he decided to love the woman next to him. It was in the middle of a forest, in the middle of a war and in between worlds that he vowed to love only his queen.


	8. Once upon a time

**Once upon a time**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

The young boy watched the small group quietly from the swings at the playground. They were exactly as he remembered them, well from his dream anyway. They smiled and talked just as they always had in his mind and now here they were. It was like one of his storybooks come to life. He wanted to run to them but his nanny's hand held him in place.

He did not like his nanny for she told him never to again to anyone of his dreams. Narnia isn't real, she told him, and best get that out of your head before people think you're crazy. He didn't know what it meant but he thought it was a bad thing so he kept to himself.

But now the young boy could hardly contain himself with delight and longed to do as he pleased. He tugged at his nanny's arm and pointed at the small group, oblivious to his stares. His nanny shook her head again and he proceeded to pout. He wanted to ask High King Peter how he became so brave, King Edmund how he became so smart, Queen Lucy how she became so kind, and Queen Susan how she became so graceful. Mostly, he wanted to ask King Caspian how he learned to love Narnia as his own when he was a Telmarine, just like him.

This boy knew exactly what the truth was. Young as he was, his dreams unlocked memories no one else was allowed to keep. He had not yet known how to speak when he was carried through the magical tree. He had not understood that the worlds had changed or why his mother forgot everything and pretended they had always lived in this dreary world full of stone and cold. He could not understand why his father had forgotten the tall, tall trees and the clear blue rivers of Narnia. But he learned to ignore them and instead he enjoyed his dreams every night as he watched the entire history of Narnia unfold before him, enthralled each time the Pevensies were before him.

And now here they were, right in front of him. He flew higher and higher, ignoring the warnings of his nanny to be careful for he might fall. The moment he felt her grip loosen on his wrist, he launched himself and ran quickly as he could to the group and bowed before them, as low as his tired chubby legs would allow.

* * *

Lucy was astounded at the boy, age three or four at most, head bowed reverently in front of them with his nanny trying her best to pull him away.

"Oh, don't hurt him. We don't mind him." Lucy said walking over to the nanny and prying her fingers off the boy. "He can play with us if he wants."

The nanny frowned but released her hold on the boy and moved quietly to the side and sat down without a word. She would rather let them think her young charge was crazy than be brought to the police for being too harsh on him.

"What's your name?" Lucy asked, the others looking curiously at the boy who still refused to move.

He looked up but remained silent, eyes wide, afraid to speak. Edmund laughed gently and picked up the boy and set him on his lap.

"Now, we won't hurt you. We just want to know your name so we can be friends!" Edmund said kindly to the boy.

"It's Adam," he replied softly, sitting still as he could on his majesty's knee.

"Well Adam," Peter began, "what do you want to do?"

They boy looked cautiously at his nanny who seemed interested only in the hem of her skirt. He took a deep breath and looked the High King in the eyes.

"I want to talk. A-a-about N-n-Narnia." Adam said even more softly than before that they almost thought they just heard wrong.

The four Pevensies fell silent and Adam was so afraid that he offended them he began to climb down Edmund but the king held tight.

John broke the silence by asking Adam a question.

"Well, maybe you can start. Tell us about this Narnia? How about that Adam?"

Four pairs of eyes swiveled to John, all of them astounded that he was playing alone. Clearly, they each thought, he thought this was a mere child's imagination at work.

"It's a kingdom," Adam began, "A world so beautiful! Oh, so beautiful! It has dancing trees, dwarves, and talking animals. Oh it's wonderful!"

"Really?" Edmund asked hesitantly, deciding to play along, "What else is there in Narnia?"

Adam turned his small face to the king and titled his head, wondering why King Edmund was asking him about this. Well, maybe he forgot as well when he crossed over. Why, he will remind them!

"There's a great big castle! C-c-cair P-p-paravel! Yes that's right! The one with four thrones!" Adam exclaimed once more, truly proud he could remember so much.

"Why are there four thrones?" John asked

"One each for the kings and queens of old. None for the great king though." Adam said thoughtfully.

"The great king?" Peter asked

"Why, the great lion Aslan of course! Now I do wonder why he doesn't have a throne." Adam said trailing off.

The Pevensies looked at each other discreetly wondering how this child knew so much. Had he been to Narnia? Did he know what had happened in the time since they each last visited? And Susan's questions, what had happened to Caspian?

Susan reached out and took the boy in her arms, sitting both of them down on the soft grass. She tickled him and made him laugh.

"Now, you must answer a question for me. Is that alright?" Susan asked

Adam nodded vigorously, waiting expectantly for her question.

"How did you get to know of this Narnia? Have you been there?" Susan asked, trying ever so hard to reign in her curiosity, making it sound as if she was merely indulging the boy.

Adam's face fell as he shook his head. "Yes, I was born there but I've never been back. All I know is only from my dreams."

"Never been back?"

"What do you mean born there?

Lucy and Peter had spoken at the same time, both astounded at the revelation.

Adam looked afraid. He was ashamed to tell them anymore for he knew that his people were not all good and they gave the kings and queens a very, very difficult time.

Peter sat down in front of the boy and tried to reach out to him but he withdrew to Susan's arms.

"Now, don't be afraid of them. They're just excited that's all. Your story is very fascinating Adam," Susan said soothingly.

The boy looked up at her and smiled. He could tell them. She would protect him; after all she loved a Telmarine king. They both would, Susan and the Telmarine king.

"It wasn't long ago really. I wasn't really able to talk then so I couldn't stop them from leaving. We passed through this magical tree and everything changed. My people didn't seem to be so welcome there anymore. I think because we look more like the people here that we were sent to this place." Adam said in one big breath.

"_Your_ people?" John said with a feeling of dread washing over him, something he could not explain.

The boy eyed him curiously and his wondering stare made John feel uneasy. The answer was on the tip of his tongue but he was afraid to try and say it.

"Tel—" Adam began

"—marines." John finished

* * *

It was as if the air had changed and the warmth of the afternoon had turned into a bitter cold that chilled them to their bones.

John appeared more shocked than the rest of the Pevensies combined. It was only little Adam that seemed unfazed.

Susan's hold on the boy relaxed that he was able to stand and walk towards John, bowing as well before him before hugging him.

His nanny had chosen this moment to retrieve her charge and Adam allowed himself to be taken away, waving gaily at his new friends.

"Hope to see you soon!" he said turning around as his nanny guided him away.

They all smiled and waved back, each frozen in place, not knowing what to do or say once Adam had left them.

They each had so many questions but no one dared to be the first to speak and make everything real. Why couldn't they just pretend it was all a dream, just as Adam said it was for him?

"So…" Susan said after a few minutes, cracking under the strain of pretending John didn't say what he did. It wasn't something she was prepared to explore. It didn't feel like he was hiding anything for he seemed genuinely surprised as well. She couldn't allow herself to hope, especially not now.

"I'm leaving for America with Mother and Father soon," she finished, hoping that this would trump the earlier conversation on Narnia.

John turned his head sharply, his eyes widened in surprise along with the rest of Susan's family.

"What?" Peter said, "What do you mean?"

"Yes. I know… I know I wasn't supposed to say anything. Mother and Father were supposed to tell you but well… Anyway, they only had enough money for me and they thought it would be good for me you know…" Susan replied looking away, willing them to understand the unspoken words.

They all nodded but John who was motionless and seemed to have stopped breathing altogether.

"No, I don't know." John said forgetting immediately about Adam. He felt like the wind was knocked out of him. He wanted to be angry but he knew he had no right to.

Susan looked at him and smiled. Shrugged her shoulders and kept explaining though she owed him nothing.

"It's a new world. I'll meet people and I expect I'll learn loads of things. I'll be back soon enough with stories that will just fascinate all of you!" Susan said faking enthusiasm

"Of course! We're all very excited for you Susan." Peter said giving his sister a one-armed hug.

John watched the siblings, unable to even pretend that he thought this was a good idea. The only thing he could feel was that she was slipping away and he will not be able to do anything when she gets on that ship.

Susan watched John from the corner of her eye, barely listening to Edmund as he went on and on about the things she will see. It was the first time she admitted to herself she didn't want to leave. She did not understand why but she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Every fiber of her being warned her that her heart hasn't healed yet and wanting to even just be his friend was dangerous. But it wanted what it did and she was powerless from reaching out and placing her hand on his. John recoiled from her touch as quickly as if hot iron struck his hand.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. I mean I have to go." John said hurriedly walking away.

"What's wrong with him?" Edmund said nodding his head in the direction of their friend who could not walk fast enough

Peter shook his head slightly to the side trying to signal to his brother to just let it go. He saw Susan fight the urge to run after John, almost losing the battle, and he felt it would be easier to ignore the sudden departure of their neighbor.

"I believe Adam." Lucy said simply. All three turned to her at once, their own thoughts coming to a halt.

The youngest had been silent for quite some time and it was only now that they noticed. Lucy was busy trying to decipher what was hidden beneath the layers of revelations. There was a reason why the magic didn't hold with Adam. She wanted to believe that he found them when he did for a reason.

And then there was the other Telmarine, or so she assumed. It couldn't be coincidence that they all felt this immediate affinity with John nor the fact that he knew a word that was never spoken on this side of the universe. What she could not understand was how he knew it but seemed as shocked as the rest of them when he spoke the word, or part of it anyway.

"I must admit he knew quite a bit." Peter said in an attempt to downplay everything, wishing inwardly that they could pretend it never happened. It brought mixed emotions he didn't wish to sort out just yet. He had accepted that he would never return but not necessarily did it mean he was overjoyed over being kept away forever.

"That's an understatement," Edmund said rolling his eyes, "The boy knew _us_ Peter. The more interesting part is he seemed to know John as well."

"I think we knew him too." Lucy said carefully, "But I don't think he remembers Narnia completely…or us for that matter."

"But he completed the word Luce!" Edmund exclaimed, pacing in front of them as if it would bring the answers faster.

"Yes but you saw him when he said it. It was like he didn't know where that came from. He was blind-sided too Ed." Lucy reasoned.

Susan swallowed the lump in her throat and made her own voice heard.

"He has dreams too," she said softly not looking anyone in the eye, "He told me about the nightmares or dreams, whatever they may be he doesn't remember anything when he wakes up. He feels like all his memories are false, that's he's not really just John."

"You think they're about Narnia too?" Peter asked

Susan nodded looking at her eldest brother, trying to ask him what she could not allow herself to even think possible.

Peter understood the unspoken question and shook his head. It couldn't be. It shouldn't be him. He would never be allowed to stay here and if it were him, he'd just break her heart twice. It's too cruel to allow even the possibility of it to be said aloud.

"I think he's one of the Telmarines who chose to leave Narnia," Lucy explored

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Edmund agreed

"That doesn't explain everything though," Susan said with a tired smile

"Maybe," Peter said looking at her, "the rest of it needs no explanation. He's our neighbor, he's our friend and as we're out of Narnia, that's pretty much all that matters now. Let's go home, they're waiting for us."

They dropped the subject but kept it well in their minds as they walked home that they failed to notice John who was hiding behind one of the trees in the distance.

"Your majesty," he said softly to the retreating figure of Susan, "I don't know why I know that or how I know I'm like that boy. I'm a Telmarine, whatever that may be. It might not be a good thing but I know there are more answers I must find but I need you to wait for me. You can't leave just yet. If I only knew who I was in Narnia…if only I could remember all those dreams, those memories…if only I knew why I love you."


	9. When worlds collide

**When worlds collide**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

He stayed away from her. It was easier than he thought it would be to avoid Susan. Oh, he's hurting but he found the ache to be a familiar feeling. The kind that he seemed to have learned to live with even when his mind tells him this is the first time there's been significant distance between them.

John's head was swimming with all the questions and after three days, he had less answers. He kept going back to the word 'Telmarines." It was a strange word, certainly not one he's picked up from a book, yet it seemed natural on his tongue. The moment he said it something in him clicked into place. He felt closer to unlocking his own mind, the subconscious that spoke only in slumber.

He questioned once again his memories, weighing it against everything—from his apathy to the history of his own country to his detachment from his family. It made little sense to him that he felt more at home next door than in his own room.

And then there was the question of Susan, the subject he was both eager to dissect to the core and yet afraid to even begin to understand. He knew it was too fast and his feelings defied reason, maybe even logic. He can count on one hand the times they've spent alone together. But somehow it was enough to feel protective of her, to feel the need to see her happy and to become the man he knew she deserved. Out of all the distractions he had lain before him, of this he was sure—he loves her without reservation or condition.

John took a deep breath and sat down on the swing that was much too small for him. Every afternoon since he came to this place and waited for the boy. He laughed inwardly at his blind faith that Adam held the answers he sought. At first, he assumed that he was playing along with the boy's story for the sake of kindness but he found himself absorbed in the tale.

He imagined a world that was both grand and simple. A land ruled by peace and justice, standing still in beauty that no one could match. In his mind he saw Cair Paravel with its thrones and the great lion Aslan standing before all of Narnia. It was a story he wanted to believe to be real but something he also feared for it meant that he was one of those banished from Narnia. The disgrace would surely make his less than worthy for someone like Susan.

John shook his head. He had a theory, one he felt rang truer each time he was around her. She was a queen, this he felt and almost addressed her as such on more than one occasion. Her obvious grace and strength were enough to have him hold her high on a pedestal but there was something else about her that made him believe without question.

"Did you run away too?"

John looked up in surprise and found his new friend before him. Adam had scrapes on his knees and had tears in his eyes. The young boy fidgeted with the clasp of his small suitcase as he waited for John to answer him.

"Well not really. I was just hoping to see you so I came here." John said honestly. "Now, before I ask you the same question, let's wash up your knee first."

Adam nodded, his small hand wiping away the rest of his tears, and held out the other hand for John to take. At first the small boy limped, his steps considerably smaller, so John picked him up and carried him to the nearest water fountain. Adam immediately placed his arms around John's neck and embraced him tight. John felt a tug in his heart. It felt like second-nature to him to be around this child.

He set down Adam and cleaned the wound with water and the small bit of soap the boy packed. He smiled at the contents of the suitcase—two sets of clothes, crackers, soap and a comb.

"You can have the crackers if you're hungry. I don't mind." Adam said offering his hero a piece.

"No, that's quite alright." John said with a smile, "Now, what's this about running away."

Adam stared at the ground and refused to look at John as he answered, his bottom lip protruded in a pout.

"Mother said that I'll be sent to boarding school when I'm of age and they'll teach me there that there's no such thing as Narnia."

John nodded solemnly, "But that is years away, there's no need to worry about it yet."

"I'm going to find Narnia and prove to them it's real. No school will change that" Adam said crossly.

John stood up and held out a hand to Adam, "So how do we find this place?"

Suddenly the young boy laughed and laughed, tears once again streamed down his face as he did so.

"You're silly!" Adam exclaimed

"Why so?" John said truly confused

"You're the one who is supposed to know that way!" Adam said matter-of-factly

"Me?" John said sitting down again

"That's what the lady said. Don't you have the key with you?" Adam said pointing to his neck

John took out the necklace from his shirt and Adam smiled at him. "This is just an old necklace. I doubt this actually opens some door to another world."

"But it does!" Adam said jumping up

"Say it does what you claim it can do. I still don't know where the door is. You're going to have to tell me more to guide me." John said

Adam went up to him and peered curiously at his face. "You really don't remember anything? But the other day you knew what you were!"

"I know nothing more than that word I'm afraid." John said gently, noting the crestfallen expression on the young boy's face.

"But we're family. How can you forget family? Even if my real father was never truly kind to you, surely you must remember something?" Adam said hopefully

John tensed at the word. Logic dictated that it was not possible but something in his being felt that familiar sensation of something falling into place. Adam spoke the truth.

"What do you mean?" John said, his voice hoarse from the effort of saying even those few words

Adam's lower lip trembled and he began to sob again. He was upset and lost. His cousin was supposed to help him back to Narnia. He did not want to go to that horrible boarding school.

John saw how tired the young boy was and that he needed to get home. He scooped up the boy in his arms and rocked him gently until the crying subsided into small hiccups.

"Tell you what, if you let me bring you home now I'll try and figure out how to find Narnia for you. How's that?" John said

"Promise?" Adam asked

"Promise." John replied.

They walked silently to Adam's house, which it turned out was only a block away from the park. John knocked at the door fully expecting the sullen nanny from the other day to welcome them. Instead it was a face far more familiar that greeted them.

Adam's mom picked up her son, smothering his face with kisses and thanking John for having found the boy.

"Oh thank you! I thought we'd lost him. How can I repay you?" she said

John merely shook his head, at a loss for words, shocked that the woman elicited the same feelings from him as Adam did. The puzzle in his mind was nearing completion. It needed just one last trigger.

"Come! I'll show you my room!" Adam said, suddenly full of energy, motioning for John to follow him upstairs

"Oh I don't know…" John said looking at the boy's mother who merely nodded at him, giving her consent.

John went up the steps after the excited Adam and found himself in a room with walls covered by countless drawings of what he could only assume to be Narnia.

To his right, John saw the picture of a beach framed against the silhouette of a castle atop a cliff. Beside it was the picture of a lion on what seemed to be a stone table. Another one showed one of the queens receiving a small bottle with liquid in it from Father Christmas. Then there was the picture of two kings playing chess, followed by another with them fighting side by side.

But it wasn't that part of the room Adam wanted to show John. He pointed to another set of pictures arranged in perfect sequence, from birth to images that held everything he wished to know.

John looked at the maybe slowly or maybe even all at once. The images before him collided with the flashing recollections in his mind—of his dreams or of the reality he could no longer ignore.

"_Professor, tell me about the kings and queens of old again! Please?"_

"_No, my father can't be dead!"_

"_Yes, Uncle Miraz, as you wish."_

"_Five more minutes…"_

"_My uncle has always wanted my throne."_

"_You would hold me accountable for all the crimes of my people?"_

"_Tonight for once I want the truth! Did you kill my father?"_

"_I do not think I am ready"_

"_I will look after it until you return."_

"_I wish we had more time together."_

His hand flew to the key that hung around his neck as his vision swam as he rapidly connected one story to the next, seeing more than what Adam could illustrate. The necklace now felt as heavy as his heart as the truth settled in his being. He lost track of time as he remembered each moment as it truly existed in the back of his mind, unearthing the dusty volumes suppressed by the lack of magic in this world. In that moment, his entire existence made sense again. He finally understood and he still wished for more time with his queen.

Adam tugged John's hand gently and waited until he got the older man's attention. "You can take them if you like. If it will help you find the way…"

"No," he replied.

"You know who you are now?" Adam asked

"Yes." Caspian replied.

He sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him for Adam to follow suit.

"Narnia is real. How you've come to know of it the way you do is not something I can explain nor will I try to even understand. I only know that without you I would have been lost far longer and maybe forever. Thank you. But Adam, this is your world now. Narnia must remain hidden from you until such time it calls you. Live your life with your mother, make her happy and be a family. Promise me that you will be a better man than your father."

Adam nodded solemnly. "Do I have to go away to boarding school?" he asked worriedly

Caspian smiled at the boy and ruffled his hair. "I don't know but you must trust your mother to do what's right and what will be best. She loves you, just remember that."

Adam reached out and gave Caspian a final embrace before the king left him.

"Will you say goodbye before you go back?" Adam asked

"I promise Adam. I promise."

* * *

Susan didn't pretend she fully understood John's reasons for staying away. She could only assume that he felt confused and needed time to sort himself out. It made sense. It was her feelings that didn't. Part of her wanted to run next door and help him sort it all out. But the logical and more dominant part of her knew that it was not her place.

They really weren't that close. He was only her neighbor. He was barely even a friend. These were the facts as plainly as she could put them. The only problem was these ignored the fact that he seemed to know a word only someone who had ever been in Narnia would know. This was the part where she would begin to dream about something she had barely allowed herself to hope for.

She always began with his eyes, reasoning that she'd seen that look before. They were expressive and always, no matter what she did, they always held concern for her. Then there was the way he spoke to her. They were neighbors but he always regarded her to be someone important, as if he knew who she was once a queen. He respected her and was a true friend, even when she pushed him away.

"_It never would have worked anyway."_

She wanted to believe that she was wrong and this was what 'working out' meant. She wanted to be right. She wanted the nightmare of believing he had moved on and was living the life she dreamed for them with another woman. She wanted to love him and it didn't matter which world they lived in.

Susan looked out of her window to see the person in question walk somberly to his house. His gait was determined but his face showed that he was tired. Her heart ached for him, the way it did once when she watched a son confront the killer of his father. He opened the gate but before going in he looked up and met her eyes.

And she knew. It was written clearly in his eyes. The answers he found were hers as well and now she held it in her heart, she could not move.

They held on for that moment in time, accepting the truth for what it was. For now, she needed no reasons or explanations. She only needed this to be real.

Caspian was the one who broke the spell first, offering a small smile for his queen before pushing the gate all the way in and disappearing into the house.

Susan closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her hand brushed against something that jolted her back into the harsh reality they faced. She picked up her ticket and ran a finger down the piece of paper, lingering on the date stamped on it.

They had one day and she didn't know how they can make it last.


	10. On a day like this

**On a day like this**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do.**

The sun had not yet risen when Susan got up from bed. The world outside was still blanketed in darkness, save for a few lampposts that shone dimly. She looked out the window and saw that her neighbor was up and about as well. Susan allowed a pained smile to grace her face for at least none of it was a dream and he thought as well that no second of this day was to be wasted.

Susan went on autopilot, mechanically cleaning up and fixing her room, pausing only for a while to write a short note to Lucy.

_Lucy,_

_I'll be out today. Tell mother I've finished packing and I'll be back for our trip. I just need to say goodbye to some old friends._

_You know who I'll be with. You know why I need to see him and what I need him to know. He deserves to know this time. Whether or not it will change anything, I need to tell him I love him. _

_Your sister,_

_Susan_

She folded the note and put it on her small desk in plain view. Taking a deep breath she walked slowly down the stairs, clenching her fists then releasing it gently. She opened the door and stepped out to find her neighbor already waiting.

Caspian smiled at her, his eyes glassy with unshed tears, as if he's seeing her for the first time after a long separation. He bit his lip and held out a hand to her, which she hesitantly took. He pulled her into a tight embrace, speaking softly in her ear.

"This was how it should have been, how I imagined it would be when I saw you again."

Susan could only smile through her tears as she pulled away from him. She could not find her voice. There was no need for it. Caspian touched his forehead to hers and looked deep into her eyes as he wiped away her tears.

"Let's take a walk?" he asked

"Where will we go?"

"The swings at the park." Caspian said

Susan nodded and followed his lead, taking his hand as she did so.

* * *

They walked in silence, like a spell was cast over them and everything that lay ahead was suspended in time so they could simply be. It's the first time they were ever together just like this, without threat of war or of disjointed memories hanging over them.

Early streaks of daylight burst through the clouds as they found their way to the swings. They sat next to each other, hands clinging to the chains, as they watched the morning unfold before them.

"I used to play here as a child. I remember asking Peter to push me as hard as he could and I'd hold on with all my might. It wasn't long after that it was Lucy asking me to do the same thing." Susan said sounding wistful at the memory

"It must have been wonderful having all that company growing up. There will always be someone looking out for you." Caspian said

Susan laughed, "I must say you won't feel that way when the lack of privacy becomes a constant. I agree though there is never a moment that I feel as if I have to take on the world by myself, even if since I left Narnia I tried."

"The lies always catch up to you," Caspian said looking distant, "you convince yourself everyday that you're moving on. You tell yourself that you've hit bottom and your heart can't break any further than it already has. You wake up the next morning to a world that seems unchanged and you find that it shattered a bit more when you woke up from your dream."

Susan was numb as she recalled her own pain. It was exactly as he described and even now the echo of that hurt lingered in her heart. She reached out to place a hand on top of his.

"Your hand is different but somehow it feels like yours already." Susan commented, "Even your voice, it has changed."

"A welcome side effect of the past 18 hours" Caspian said grinning ear to ear much like the boy John she had come to appreciate. He stood up and held both her hands in his, a smile still plastered on his face.

"Come on. There's a carnival nearby. We'll spend the day having fun. We don't think about the past, about tomorrow or anything beyond that. Today I just want to be happy with you." Caspian said.

"Sounds like a plan to me." Susan said with a smile gracing her own face

"Okay, race you there?" Caspian said already jogging away.

"What? I don't know where it is!" she said laughing as she ran after him

Adam heard the laughter from the open window of his bedroom. He stopped drawing and looked out to see Susan and Caspian chasing each other down the street, blissfully untroubled by anything.

The boy smiled and continued to draw the image from his latest dream. It was different from the different pictures he had drawn before, for this one was not in Narnia. It showed the king turning the lock, ready to return to his home. It showed only him.

* * *

"My aim is better than I thought," Caspian said to Susan as he won her a prize tossing rings onto a bottle about a meter from him.

"Your aim is lucky," Susan countered, her face flushed from all the games they played.

They bantered, laughed and enjoyed each other's company. Hand in hand they went around the small complex, eating and taking in everything around them.

"Ferris wheel?" Caspian said a boyish gleam in his eyes, dragging Susan after him.

They sat next to each other on the ride. Suddenly in close proximity to one another, Caspian felt conscious and was unsure how to act. Susan sighed as they started to go up and leaned her head on his shoulder. Out of instinct, Caspian place his arm around her and she adjusted to the new position. Her heart soared at the feeling of contentment of just being around him.

The carriage jerked and stalled when it got to the peak. Susan sat up in attention, worried something was wrong until she felt Caspian chuckling under his breath.

"I paid the operator to stall for five minutes. I wanted to see what all the fuss about this world is about," he said by way of explanation.

"You could have warned me!" Susan said lightly punching him.

"And miss the expression on your face? Never!" Caspian said laughing once more. He smiled at her and brushed her hair out of her face before he spoke.

"You could never truly hide what you felt. Fear, anger, relief, disappointment, happiness, resignation—all these I've seen on your face since I met you. For someone like me," Caspian said, "who grew up quite alone and in the midst of traitorous relatives, it was quite difficult to trust people. I never did know where I stood for I never saw truth. That day in the woods, when I first saw you, I was surprised that a woman could show such emotion."

"Do you want to know when I first realized I could trust you?" he asked, "Remember that day when I was tempted by the White Witch? You came in when it was all over and disappointment was written all over your face. There was no attempt to lie and pretend that it was alright, that everyone made mistakes. I knew then you would allow me to be myself, face the world head on and bear the truth even when it was painful."

"Your world is beautiful in its own right, my queen. I'm glad to have known it. I think I understand you better for it and why you need to still explore other parts of this earth. Aslan was right. It's time for you to live in your own time and world." Caspian said holding her hand in his, close to his heart. He closed his eyes as the ride started again slowly taking them back to the ground. He didn't want her to see his pain. He just wanted her to understand that he knew her decision and he has accepted it. Today is all that mattered for now.

* * *

The guardian watched the couple and though she respected his decision, her heart bled for them. She understood the call of duty and the sense of right. She understood the Gentle Queen's desire to do right by her family and by Aslan's wisdom. It did not mean however that it was easy, good intentions did not always lead to a happy ending.

"The king and queen have defied the odds." said the lion from behind her

The guardian bowed deeply before the great king of Narnia. "But they have decided, my liege, to part ways. It is noble."

"Allow the day to unfold. The deep magic will guide them. It is not yet too late. They have fears still in their hearts. They have not seen how love can blur the lines between reason and right, the heart and the mind."

She bowed once more as Aslan blew into the ear of Susan in the image before them.

"_Choose with a free heart. Trust the deep magic will set things right by your decision. Listen to what calls you to be happy to the end of your days."_

_

* * *

  
_

Susan heard Aslan's voice in her mind or in the wind, it didn't matter to her how, but she knew the message was for her.

"_It's hard Aslan. I'm afraid to jump. I'm too far out to turn around now." _Susan thought silently.

She expected and received no reply. Caspian held her arm steady as they stepped down from the Ferris wheel. Susan looked up at him and said thanks before walking a bit faster than her companion.

"Whoa, slow down!" Caspian called after her, "Is something wrong?"

"No, I just. I just need to think. Let's go somewhere quiet." Susan said anxiously.

They walked to a small clearing on top of a small hill just behind the carnival grounds. Susan sat in front of Caspian and took deep breaths as the young man watched her worriedly.

"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked.

"No! I mean no. I'm fine. I just need to calm down." Susan said.

Caspian nodded and proceeded to lie flat on the ground next to her and stared at the sky above them.

"Lie down. I want to show you something. It will help you clear your mind," he said

"Look," he continued after she followed his instruction, "doesn't that look just like Cair Paravel?"

Caspian was pointing to an oddly shaped cloud formation. Susan laughed and shook her head.

"It does not! But wait that looks just like our DLF."

"True and I think that one would pass for your horn," he replied

"Ooh! That one looks like a bear!" Susan said

"Or a snowman…" he said

"You're being silly Caspian."

He gasped realizing that it was the first time she acknowledged his identity. It shocked him. He felt elated yet at the same time fear crept in now that all the cards were on the table.

Susan heard his reaction and sucked in her own breath. It was finally out there, if there was still any doubt, it was eliminated with just one word.

"You never told me how you finally figured it out." Susan inquired gently, testing if he had gotten his bearings together

"Adam, it was him." Caspian said slowly, "I saw him again in the park. We talked. I took him home and he showed me his drawings, of his dreams." He paused, "Can you imagine your entire life in pictures all over a little boy's room. Every single memory in my being, every dream I've had since I got here and every drawing flashed in my mind like I was going through each experience again."

She absorbed the information, her heart filled with pity for what he had to go through. Susan tried to imagine the shock and the confusion that must have accompanied it all but she could not. She tried to place herself in his shoes but even that scared her. Susan respected him more for getting through the ordeal without losing himself in the process. She wanted to commend him on this but he spoke first.

"When will you ask me why I'm here, how I even came to your world?" Caspian said

"I'm afraid to find out Caspian," she admitted, "Cause then you'll have to answer other things I'm not sure I want to know."

Susan took a deep breath before speaking once more, "Is she still waiting for you? When do you have to leave? There, four questions."

She closed her eyes and listened to his voice as he began his tale, etching everything in her memory as if her life depended on it.

"No, she's not waiting for me. She was the one who gave me this key, the one that would let me into your world. Of course, it wasn't as simple as just opening a door. The moment I stepped through I wasn't myself anymore, as you well know. In truth, I have no idea how long I've been John. I only know that I am Caspian, King of Narnia and my people need me now."

Susan held her eyes tightly shut, willing the tears to go away on their own. It was as if all her dreams were coming true and within reach but she was slipping and her fingers could only brush against it.

"That's just three," she whispered hoarsely, "You didn't answer one question. Why did you come?"

"Because I love you." Caspian said simply. He had nothing else beyond that. There was no other reason truer than what he gave her. And the dam inside her broke free and she sat up to hug her knees to her chest as she wept openly. She cried for girl who waited so long to hear those words, she shed tears for the tiredness she felt after all they went through, but mostly she wept for the future in their grasp that she was about to throw away.

Caspian placed a finger under her chin, held up her face to look in her eyes and kissed her gently. It brought them back to the day she first left Narnia when she ran towards him with urgency, struggling to find the words to say farewell and ended up kissing him. She could not say it then for she thought it would only make things harder but now she knew better.

"I love you too." Susan said placing her hand on his cheek, wondering where she will find the courage to tell him goodbye.

They kissed once more, with more urgency and passion, knowing that the day was drawing to a close. There was one place left to go to and night was falling fast. One last chance before they sealed their fate.

* * *

"Here it is, hiding in plain sight." Caspian said once again tracing the familiar grooves on the tree just outside the library. It was majestic and imposing against a canopy of darkness with twinkling stars overhead.

Susan was speechless. She had passed by this tree as if it were a mere backdrop to her life, she spent time under it with Caspian even and yet she never regarded it as anything other than what it appeared to be—a tree. But not it seemed to glow from within, its secret to be revealed any second and with it her own fears.

Caspian watched Susan struggle with what to say. He understood her dilemma. She loved him, yes, but not enough to have her throw away what she had accepted to be her role in the world. She was a daughter, a sister and a friend. She had a life here, one that she has struggled to build and rebuild after each visit to Narnia. So he made the choice for her.

"So I guess this is goodbye," he whispered, "at least we had one more day."

Susan stayed still and looked away as tears fell silently from her eyes. She did not want to disappoint her mother and father. But mostly she did not want to leave behind Peter, Edmund and Lucy who will not be returning to Narnia. A life with Caspian was a trade for a life with her family, a kind of existence she never imagined would be.

She faced him and shook her head. "Sorry," she mouthed to him, "I can't."

Caspian closed the gap between them and held her tight to him. "There is nothing to apologize for. Just promise me you'll be happy here."

He turned away from her without waiting for a reply; his tears finding its way to the ground beneath him. Caspian wanted to be strong but each step required Herculean effort. But he had to go, he could not deny who he was any longer and it was time he found his way home.

"_Just promise me you'll be happy here."_

His words echoed in her mind as she watched him take the key from its chain and walk towards the tree. The world slowed to a halt as she processed everything until a calm descended in her mind.

She would never be happy here, neither would her parents nor her siblings would ever find true contentment for long as they watched her slowly eaten away by her longing for this man. She would never be able to recreate or surpass today or every other moment she had with John or Caspian then and now. She would never be happy here because Caspian would not be here. Suddenly it was easy and she understood why it was simple for him to come here. Love was reason enough. It will carry her to another world, another home where she would be safe in his love.

She took a step forward and another until she reached him, already halfway through.

Caspian turned around, the glow of the portal framing his face, surprised. He looked down and saw Susan's hand in his, clasped tight without intention of letting go.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading this and to those who left reviews. They've truly been quite encouraging and helped me to keep writing. :) There's a bit left in this story so I do hope you keep reading. Enjoy!**


	11. And the world keeps turning

**And the world keeps turning**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

Each day was a struggle, a different one each day but always with that familiar ache of losing something you'd rather always beside you. Susan had understood from the moment she made her choice that she would inevitably lose a part of herself that day. It was something she had to live with.

However, mercifully, she felt no regret. Susan knew this was the only future that would allow her to be happy, to allow her to truly live and be more than a shell of a person. It was most just for all concerned.

Of course, there were days when she wondered how life turned out on the other side, if she caused pain or if things turned out well somehow. It was not something she could escape and she did not want to. It was a constant reminder for her to make the most of what she has or the sacrifice would have been for nothing.

Susan continued to look at the horizon, waiting for the sun to set before she returned inside. She watched as the blue sky darkened into the night until she was blanketed by a canopy of stars. She closed her eyes and sighed, wishing that somehow at that moment, they could see what she did.

"You will see them again, in time, dear one."

Her eyes flew open in surprise and she whirled around to see the great lion before her. She ran to him with much enthusiasm that resembled that of her sister's. It was only a sharp pain in her belly that reminded her to slow down.

"Careful, Queen of Narnia, the little one needs special care. We have all the time in the world now." Aslan said with a smile.

Susan nodded and walked back to the bench with the lion by her side. "Narnia is beautiful at night. It's so peaceful like it was never touched by evil. I can almost pretend that they're here as well and they're only sleeping."

"I cannot lie and tell you it will be easier for losing your family is like a wound that will never fully heal. But trust that the little one and his father will bring you more than enough joy to give you much to live for."

She smiled and placed a hand on her stomach, feeling her son kick as he often did when she was feeling particularly melancholy. He always knew when to make his presence felt to place a smile on his mother's face.

"I've never had the chance to thank you Aslan, for this chance. The key, the portal, everything else in between, I appreciate it. Thank you for letting me love him as his wife and not as a memory trapped in another world."

Aslan smiled, "Your love would not be any less strong were it from a lifetime away than it is now. I believe it allowed both worlds to shape a future that would always have you and King Caspian together. The deep magic, which at the very core is made of the truest love known to any creature that ever breathed life, is more powerful than I or any other being. What the world has witnessed in both you has allowed this miracle to happen, without it you would not be in Narnia, you would not be home."

Tears flowed from her eyes as she listened to Aslan. Susan wept for the older brother that always protected her, for the younger one that always reminded her to see both sides and the sister who loved her without reservations. She cried over the regret of not being a better daughter. Mostly, her tears were flowing over having the chance to be a good mother and wife to her family here. It was the relief that she finally made it home that shook her with sobs on Aslan's mane.

It was some time before Aslan spoke again, just before he was about to leave. "Be at peace dear one, you will see them again."

Susan wiped her eyes, hesitating at first, but then she asked what she had been dying to know all along.

"What do they think happened to me? Do they know I'm here?"

"No, dear one, they believe you to have gone on that trip alone. The world changed enough so that your mother and father never planned to be with you, a truth they all accept including your siblings."

"But for how long will that work? Surely, they'll look for me?"

Aslan gave her a smile, but a pain shone in his eyes. "For as long as is necessary. Rest now, Queen Susan. In the end, it will not matter. Have faith, you will see them when the time comes."

The great lion left her, taking with him a great burden from her heart. She breathed easier, so she felt. The stars twinkled above and she wondered if one of them was the woman who gave her husband the key.

"Thank you even though I never knew you. Thank you for letting go." Susan said closing her eyes once more.

"Susan?" Caspian's concerned voice called out to her, "Are you alright?"

She smiled at him and motioned for him to sit next to her.

He smiled curiously at her but did as she requested, placing an arm over her shoulder as he pulled her tight next to him.

"Supper is ready, are you not hungry yet?" he said

"I'm fine. I can wait a bit more." Susan said leaning on his chest, "It's just so beautiful here. Sometimes, I still can't believe it's real."

She paused, straightening up and looking him in the eyes, "Aslan was here."

Caspian was surprised and then looked around quickly, wondering if he could still see him. Then the shock was immediately overtaken by an icy cold fear that snaked up to his heart, fearing that his wife was to be taken from Narnia again.

"No, no!" Susan said placing a hand on his, "It's not what you think. He just…well he just sort of welcomed me home and told me they're okay back there. I'm home for good Caspian."

He breathed a sigh of relief, placing a kiss on her forehead, wanting to strengthen the truth that he held in his arms. It was the final assurance, the last worry taken from his mind—the blessing from Aslan of Susan's new life in Narnia.

Caspian looked up, a solemn look on his face that matched his serious tone. "I miss them too. The life I had there, no matter how much of a constructed reality, was the closest thing I had to normal. Your siblings were the kind I dreamed of having both here and in that world. The life at school was something so simple compared to the burden of growing up as heir to the Telmarine throne, your destiny believed to be set in stone. And in any which way, it was a life with you in it."

Susan gave him a small mischievous smile, "Do you want to go back, my king?"

He laughed and shook his head, "No for as much as I dream of simplicity it is not who I am. The intricate details of my life are intertwined with the history of this world. King or not, I would always have to return."

"And what if I did not choose to come back?" Susan said.

"Then I would love you from this side and I'd have waited for you in Aslan's country. Thirteen hundred years didn't matter, remember? If time and space was not enough, do you think anything else can keep us apart forever? One way or another, we'd find each other again." Caspian said.

He paused and turned to ask her in return. "And what if I did not go to you?"

"I would have found my way back. I had thought about it, you know? If only for a glimpse of you, I thought I could try something, anything!" Susan exclaimed

"What stopped you?" Caspian asked gently

"Believing you moved on. At first, I assumed I didn't want to suffer by seeing you with whoever she was. I hid behind the defense of jealousy. Over time, I realized that I simply did not want to disrupt your happiness, what you had with her. It mattered more than what I wanted. It was something I could accept as long as I knew you were happy."

She took a deep breath and continued, "And then there was John. I began to fall for him. In my darkest hours, he was there. The stranger who knew me, who was patient with me and who was determined to make me smile, reminded me how to live. I was moving on, too."

Susan took Caspian's hand and traced the part where two lines met. "I wasn't. It took me a while to realize that he simply reminded me of you and I was just falling in love with you all over again. His strength, his determination and his kindness, it was all you. Your eyes never lied. Whether you were ashamed, proud, confused or hesitant, I could always trust it was true because I saw it plainly in your eyes."

She leaned in to kiss him, a repeated promise of forever she sealed when she put her hand in his that fateful day. "It may have taken longer, maybe a year or another thousand, but I know that in any future, we'd always end up here, in this moment, together."

In that moment, the baby decided to kick and his parents felt it at the same time.

"Ah, I think our son agrees. Now my queen, it is time to go and feed our boy. Let's go inside?" Caspian said helping Susan stand.

She nodded and took his arm, content that it was no longer only in dreams that she was his queen.

* * *

Adam was older, and nanny was no longer concerned with him running away or living in his fantasy world, as she called it. He was turning out to be quite a normal boy and that was enough reason for nanny not to worry as much, allowing him to roam around a bit on his own.

On the outside, he may be just like any other boy, but inside he had not forgotten. Though the dreams had come fewer and farther in between, he had not forgotten. His illustrations had become clearer, the details sharper than before. For his age, it was a wonder for his teachers where he had gotten such an inspiration and they marveled at the gift he had.

It went on for a while until the day he returned to the park and sat on the swing once more. He clutched a newspaper in his hand and he read, quite slowly, taking it all in. It spoke of a tragedy, a great one that claimed lives, including the Pevensies he once met in this place. He read of their demise, three of them, and the small note by the writer below, that upon searching for their sister in America to let her know, they had discovered she had long succumbed to an illness.

Adam slept fitfully that night, waking up in cold sweat, knowing no other urge than to place on paper what he had seen. It was chaos, the sky in a violent explosion of red and black and a door sealed by Peter's hand and a golden key, similar to the one Caspian brought to this world. That Narnia had ended, night had fallen.

He returned to sleep, saw the beauty and brightness of the world he had love for so long for the last time. He saw Peter, Edmund, Lucy and Susan reunited. He watched as Caspian joined them, his son Rilian some steps behind him, eager to meet the family of his mother.

He saw Aslan watch over them all. And he watched them until it was time to wake up. And Narnia was no more in his mind. He remembered nothing and his dreams were tucked away with his childhood.

* * *

Rilian waited for his turn to meet them. He had dreamt of this moment since the time his mother had first told him about them but she had waited longer. He could spare her a few more moments alone with them.

He could remember it clearly when as a young boy he sat next to his mother as they waited for the southern sun to set. Queen Susan sat him on her lap and began to tell him about the wardrobe and the Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve that stumbled upon Narnia through it. She told him about how they lost Edmund and found him again. His mother shared with him how reluctant they were to save Narnia from the White Witch. The queen told him of Aslan, his sacrifice and how he saved them all in the end.

Rilian smiled to himself as he recalled that it was his father who told him about the world where his mother came from. For whatever reason, maybe it was too painful for her, it was Caspian who told him of how he went into that world and how he forgot about Narnia. He told him about how it was to be a boy named John and how he watched Susan struggle to life back in London. He told Rilian about the cars, trains and the games people played in that world. Caspian wanted him to understand his mother, what kind of life made her out to be the woman that she was. The king wanted his son to love Susan by knowing who she truly was and the courage it took to be his mother.

Susan waved his son over so she could introduce him to Peter, Edmund and Lucy. He nodded and continued to walk behind his father. It dawned on him that this time he was the one with the story to share to the family. He would be the one to sit next to them in the endless days in Aslan's country, the real Narnia, to tell them of the tale he witnessed all his life—a story of true love that crossed worlds and spanned thousands of years He would tell them about how they defied the odds, about the neighbor they never saw again, the ship that sailed without a certain passenger and the ordinary tree by the library that made it all possible. He clutched the key that hung on his neck as he watched as his mother place her hand in his father's and he knew that this tale will still continue to unfold before their very eyes for all of eternity.

-fin

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**A/N: Thank you so much for those who have been reading this story. I've loved hearing from you and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Looking forward to writing more Caspian/Susan fics! :)**


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